


Whumptober 2019| McDanno| Lost

by RavenclawCipherOfCabinOne



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Altno. 6 Lost, Crisis of Faith, Emotional Steve McGarrett, Hurt Danny "Danno" Williams, M/M, Metaphorically Lost, Whump, Whumptober 2019
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-23
Updated: 2019-10-23
Packaged: 2020-12-28 23:16:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21144851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RavenclawCipherOfCabinOne/pseuds/RavenclawCipherOfCabinOne
Summary: Danny's been very critically hurt and Steve's struggling with his faith. He thinks back and questions what it even is. Unable to do much to help Danny, when the nurses need him to leave the room he finds himself in the hospital's chapel having a crisis of faith.





	Whumptober 2019| McDanno| Lost

Steve stares blankly in front of him until his vision is so unfocused and he blinks, realizing part of the blur were the tears that just wouldn't stop. He blinked a few times and the words in front of him become clear and read the hospital's name and ' _ Chapel _ '. He's been here a few times. Not actually inside, but here in this spot. Staring at that door, unable to go in, before his mind reminds him that Danny's nurses are finishing doing whatever their job of that day was, and he heads back. But then it's time again and they need him to leave the room and he finds himself in the same place. He could go to the cafeteria but he's rarely hungry and doesn't want to force idle chit-chat with people who for whatever reason want to talk to him. And there's only so much coffee he can drink. 

He steels himself and takes a deep breath before he lifts his hand to the door. It rests on the handle. The doors are old and heavy. For a moment he thinks it's locked…or childishly his mind tells him that he wasn't allowed in there. He shakes his head and tells that voice that that was childish.

And maybe he  _ was _ being childish as he thought there would be some sort of force field that would literally keep him from entering. Steve wasn't sure to feel relief or something akin to annoyance that there wasn't. 

He stood there…only the lights of the lit candles offering him a sense of what was where. There wasn't a clock in there, and even if there was, he hasn't left the hospital in so long that day and night don't have meaning as the days blur together.

After what seemed like an eternity, but really only seven minutes, he sat in the last pew.

The room was chilly. Being the only one in there made things rather creepy, but he didn't dwell too much on those feelings as he locked eyes with the cross up at the front.

He wasn't a vampire, but he still feared that if he got too close he'd burst into flames.

A lot of soldiers were men of God. That held many definitions. Some used it to fuel them and give them the strength to do the work they did. They wanted, or _needed_, something bigger to believe in. They needed to believe that there was a higher being approving of their actions and make them feel like they were in the right.

Steve didn't believe.

He didn't _not_ believe either.

He  _ wanted _ to. He wanted to believe so very badly. But he couldn't.

From the stories he heard about what and who God was supposed to be, he found it hard to believe in all those tales when his life turned out the way it did. Steve understood what  _ good _ was from his father, a cop. His father was a good man but some of the actions he made had  _ confused _ Steve on the definition of goodness as he got older. If good won out and God was looking out for those who were good, why did he lose his mom? Maybe _he_ hadn't been good enough, but Doris had been Mary's mom too and he  _ knew _ his sister was good, even if he wasn't.

When he was sent away, he felt abandoned. He didn't have faith then either. If his own father didn't want him, why would God?

When he was deployed and he saw all that was out there, he stopped trying to believe in God. How could he when he saw all of that devastation and chaos? But he had to believe in something or he'd be lost like some he's seen go over the edge and into the abyss.

So he believes in the skills he's mastered. He believes in his team.

But God?

He's _had_ moments when he's prayed. Some days he feels like miracles _have_ happened. So he's conflicted.

And now he's lost.

He tries to speak but can't seem to find the words. Steve doesn't think it should be so hard. He cleared his throat as he scratched his beard, idly remembering he hasn't shaved since it happened. "I don't normally come to these sorts of places."

He let out a deep breath. "So. Why am I here?" He runs his hand over his face as he stalls. God, he's tired. He refuses to head home and the best they could do is provide Danny with a room with a couch. Which is usually occupied by Grace who only leaves when Rachel's voice hardens and orders Grace to head home. Steve remains though. In a chair, standing, hell, even in a sleeping bag on the floor when the couch is occupied.

"Good question…I don't think I have a satisfying enough answer. I'm a relatively good person. I try to be. Be the hero people make me out to be…part of that I think was because I _wasn't_ religious. No offense  _ but _ ….people have done a ton of insane shit in your name... 

"My dad wasn't religious. I never knew why not. Never got to ask…one of the _many_ things we just never talked about. But being a cop now, I guess, or at the very least, I can assume some of the reasons. The things you see can shake you to the core. They make you question… _ everything _ . But my dad had an obligation to…the people? To the truth?" Steve asked more than stated. What had his dad stood for? Steve knew that his dad meant good, but sometimes…maybe he just didn't achieve it. A blasphemous thought for his younger self, but now he's older and he feels that it's a correct statement. He swallows as he continues, "I wasn't told I needed religion to be a good person. I didn't need my father or his co-workers…I didn't need you either…but you were all there…in the back of my mind just…_'be good Steven_'. But was I?"

He thinks of his tours. Of the hell he's been through, the hell he's caused. He was a soldier. But was that enough to make him a good person?

"It's like a dance almost. I don't think about you for a while. I was taught to survive without you…then I'm placed in a position where I need you. Because I've reached my limit. I'm in such a desperate, isolated, painful…._angry_, depressing position that all I could do was…submit and  _ beg _ ." He hissed the word as his vision blurred, memories flashing before his eyes of those moments. " _ Pray _ for help…"

He sniffs and wipes his nose, then scoffs a bit."It wasn't a favorable position. You know…with someone with my pride." he pauses for a moment.

He collects his thoughts before speaking again. "I survived…not unchanged, but I did. I can't decide yet if you or anyone else up there helped at all. Or if I just held on long enough to find a way out…maybe a little of both?"

"Look…I don't…I know I'm not a devoted servant. I probably have no right at all to even be here…to ask you for…. _ anything _ . But I am…cos that's what people do, right? When they don't know what to do…they come to you! They…they ask for help….and I  _ know _ …I probably don't deserve it..it's hella selfish but…" he looked around helplessly. " _ Here I am!  _ H ere I am, a sinner who has probably sinned more than most, asking you…if you  _ really _ are out there…if you have  _ any _ mercy…help  _ him _ ." A shuddering breath escaped him as well as a tear. "God,  _ please _ help Danny…"


End file.
